At last, Mondays FINALLY have meaning again. That’s right, The Bachelorette has returned, and so has my big mouth.
We last left Joelle “JoJo” Fletcher feeling love’s keen sting (thanks, Dumbledore) at the hands of Ben Higgins, who blindsided JoJo with a declaration of love and then went on to choose sweet-natured Lauren Bushnell to be his happily ever after. Since then, Bachelor Nation has rallied behind JoJo as she takes on her role as the next Bachelorette, and we couldn’t be more excited for our leading lady to find love. So, let’s get to it!
JoJo heads to the mansion, where she is greeted by former Bachelorettes Kaitlyn Bristowe, Desiree Hartsock, and Ali Fedotowsky. All three encourage JoJo to kiss the men on night one if she’s “feelin’ it,” but they caution her against confusing lust with true love. Because let’s be real, JoJo REALLY needed them to come to L.A. to remind her that.
Now, for night one…
As long as this show is around, sequins will never die. JoJo steps out of her limo in all of her glittering glory, ready to get this show on the road.
OUTTA THE LIMO: FIRST IMPRESSIONS
JORDAN, 27, CHICO, CA
It comes as a TOTAL surprise that we are first introduced to the younger brother of Green Bay Packers quarterback, Aaron Rodgers. Fun little drinking game: take a sip (or a shot, whatever tickles your fancy) every time JoJo tells him, “You look SO good.” Hint: pretty sure it’s five times.
DEREK, 29, FORT LAUDERDALE, FL
After nervously complimenting JoJo on her looks – to which she responds with a modest-but-I-know-it’s-true “thank you” – Derek tells her he admires her sense of self. So far, I think I’m a fan of this guy. Oh, and JoJo ends their interaction with,”YOU LOOK GOOD!” Drink up, kids.
P.S. he is Jim Halpert’s doppelgänger.
GRANT, 28, SAN FRANCISCO, CA
Firefighter Grant tells JoJo he isn’t going to do what Ben did to her last season. That is, he’s not going to fall in love with two girls; he’s going to fall in love with her. Well, considering there’s only one woman on this show, I can’t say he has much of a choice…
JAMES F., 34, NASHVILLE, TN
Dear James isn’t looking for a rose; he’s looking for a relationship. JoJo likes the sound of that. *Yawn*
Meanwhile…I’m still waiting for the oddballs to come out and play.
ROBBY, 27, JACKSONVILLE, FL
Robby steps out of the limo bearing a bottle of wine (10 points to Gryffindor). He also let’s JoJo do the honors and take the first sip (ANOTHER 10 points to Gryffindor). We all know how much the Fletcher fam loves wine.
ALEX, 25, OCEANSIDE, CA
The poor guy is so nervous that he makes me look like Public Speaker of the Year. Not to worry, JoJo reassures him that he looks good. I swear, it’s like she is begging me to drown in a bottle of Chardonnay.
WILL, 26, JERSEY CITY, NJ
Will attempts to make a little funny by dropping his notecards and mixing up his words to JoJo. Meh…
CHAD, 28, TULSA, OK
If there’s anything I’ve learned from pop culture, it’s that nothing ever good comes from having the name Chad (in case you needed a refresher). Also, before embracing JoJo, Chad interwines his hands with hers as if he took a cue straight out of Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina’s playbook.
DANIEL, 31, VANCOUVER, B.C., CANADA
Leave it to Daniel to make a “Damn, Daniel” reference.
ALI, 27, SANTA MONICA, CA
Ali is adorably awestruck by JoJo’s striking beauty, but, like, so is everyone else. JoJo tells him that she’s totally normal, but too late. She and her sequined dress have already locked him in an unbreakable trance.
JAMES TAYLOR, 29, KATY, TX
Nah, man. Not THE James Taylor. Just a singer-songwriter from small-town Texas looking to make his big break by trying to impress the most relevant female on Monday night television right now.
After what feels like an eternity, things are finally shaping up to be weird.
JONATHAN, 29, VANCOUVER, B.C., CANADA
Half-Chinese, half-Scottish Johnny Boy steps out of the limo decked out in a kilt. Ballsy…literally. He claims he isn’t wearing any “panties.” I don’t know what’s worse – his use of the word “panties” as it applies to himself, or his use of the word AT ALL.
SAINT NICK, 33, THE NORTH POLE
Christmas has arrived early this year, and so has Santa. Of course, JoJo manages to make the Nice List.
CHASE, 27, HIGHLANDS RANCH, CO
He mustache you a question, but he’s going to shave it for later. REAL CREATIVE.
JAKE, 27, PLAYA VISTA, CA
“A little about me, I am an architect.” Literally all we know. Ok.
SAL, 28, FORT LAUDERDALE, FL
If JoJo gets stressed at any point in the night, Sal gives her full permission to squeeze his balls…his stress balls. Get your mind out of the gutter, people!!!
COLEY, 27, CHICAGO, IL
*Insert lame real estate joke here about taking JoJo off the market*
BRANDON, 28, LOS ANGELES, CA
Self-proclaimed professional hipster hasn’t seen the show and knows nothing about JoJo. Have fun with that.
JAMES S., 27, PHOENIX, AZ
This guy is a Bachelor Superfan for a living. BUH-BYE, SIR.
NICK S., 26, SAN FRANCISCO, CA
This relationship is headed towards Splitsville…couldn’t help myself.
VINNY, 28, DELRAY BEACH, FL
Vinny the barber hands JoJo a piece of toast and toasts to their relationship like cliché never went out of style.
PETER, 26, CHICAGO, IL
He gives JoJo a heart pillow and wants to be her “Man Crush Monday.” #JustMillennialThings
EVAN, 33, NASHVILLE, TN
Let’s rewind to when the erectile dysfunction specialist expressed how “excited” he was to meet JoJo and I couldn’t stop laughing for five minutes. #maturity
WELLS, 31, NASHVILLE, TN
ACA-BELIEVE IT! This dude brings an all-male a cappella group to serenade JoJo, as the other guys sit back and recoil in jealousy.
CHRISTIAN, 26, LOS ANGELES, CA
Christian wakes up every morning at 4:30 to work out, has a successful career in the tech industry, and owns a motorcycle. I am done.
LUKE, 31, BURNET, TX
Last, but certainly not least, Sir Luke rides up in style on his very own “unicorn” named Coconut. Safe to say JoJo was pleased (think back to her unicorn entrance on Ben’s season).
COCKTAIL HOUR
Alex, the U.S. Marine, is the first to whisk JoJo away. He advertises his “swole” physique by doing push ups while she sits on his back. The other guys are agitated AF about this, but what else is new?
The next three minutes delve into how nervous the men are about speaking with JoJo because they literally just CAN’T handle her beauty. I’ll tell you right now, JoJo is not taking this lightly. She just wants to sit down with someone and feel “that natural ease.”
And who better to feel that natural ease with than JORDAN RODGERS?! When JoJo asks him to tell her about himself, there’s no way she doesn’t know he’s Aaron’s brother. Nonetheless, we learn that Jordan works in sports broadcasting after retiring from football a year ago at age 27. Translation: my bro is significantly better at the game than I am.
Time passes, and after Jordan admits regret over not kissing JoJo the first time, he pulls her aside once more to make it happen. If you’re wondering about the words exchanged right before the epic moment:
Jordan: “I’m goofy.”
JoJo: “Are you? So am I?”
WOW, HOT. No matter though, both feel the chemistry.
Nothing puts a smile on my face more than seeing the men’s faces turn to fear at the sight of the first impression rose. Time to scramble for JoJo’s attention before the dreaded rose ceremony.
JoJo is captivated by an enigmatic Chad, who boldly claims, “I’m pretty confident that if I want her, I’ll have her.” RUN, JOJO, RUN.
Canadian Daniel brings up “Damn, JoJo” again to JoJo, hoping she grasps the joke. She still has no idea what he’s talking about. Not everyone can be as up-to-date on viral pop culture trends as you, Daniel. Daniel then gets “white Canadian wasted” and starts performing an unsolicited strip tease in front of everyone.
JoJo seals the fate of her first impression rose recipient, Jordan Rodgers (NO way), and then she leaves to prepare for the rose ceremony.
But of course, The Bachelorette would be nothing without last-minute curveballs. Just as the rose ceremony is about to begin, former Bachelor Jake Pavelka shows up, taking everybody by surprise.
For those of you who don’t know, Jake Pavelka has gone down as one of the most notorious Bachelors in history. I never watched his season, but from what I’ve heard and read about him, he’s supposedly the worst.
What seems like a proposition to be thrown into the mix of guys is actually Jake, a close family friend, telling JoJo he wants love…FOR HER. *sighs of relief everywhere* He then proceeds to give her some brotherly advice that she has already figured out for herself.
Back at the rose ceremony, JoJo sends home Jonathan, Peter, Coley, Jake, Nick S., and Sal, meaning we still have one more week of “Damn, Daniel” roaming the mansion halls.
Thoughts on the season 12 premiere?
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