Now that we’ve gotten a glimpse of JoJo’s many suitors, both group and one-on-one dates are upon us. Get ready for testosterone overload and frequent bouts of aggression and jealousy.
Chris Harrison brings in the first group date card, and the guys keenly stare at it like they’re waiting for their names to be plucked from the Goblet of Fire (sorry not sorry for the excessive Harry Potter references).
Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel, Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells, and Robby are chosen for the date. Not even 10 seconds after names are read aloud, the men hear an intense crash outside the mansion. They go outside to find a limo going up in flames. No worries though. A firetruck (with JoJo in tow) pulls up just in time, JoJo extinguishes the fire, and the men resume gawking at her. Enter cheesy line numero uno of the episode: “The limo wasn’t the only thing on fire.” Ha.
If Chad wasn’t already enough of a douche, he just confirmed it further by doing pull-ups outside with his luggage chained to his weight belt, dangling between his thighs. Oh, did I mention there are jars of PROTEIN POWDER inside? Ding, ding, ding, we have a fuckboy!!!
FIRST GROUP DATE
JoJo takes the men to a fire academy, where they don firefighter uniforms and partake in a series of physically rigorous challenges.
Wells becomes lightheaded from the heat, so he decides to take this opportunity to create some heat — that is, between himself and JoJo — by stealing a little extra time with her. Smoooooth criminal.
Back at the mansion, everyone else is keeping busy poolside, with James Taylor strumming on his guitar as the others belt out the future Grammy for Song of the Year, “JoJo, JoJo.” Killjoy Chad, of course, is disdainfully watching from the sidelines.
At the fire academy, Luke, Grant, and Wells compete in an obstacle course to see who could best save her life. Because what would this show (or life) be without heteronormative standards of masculinity?!
Naturally, Grant, a professional firefighter, wins and “saves JoJo” from the roof of a not-actually-burning building. At night, JoJo spends a little one-on-one time with Grant and lauds him for making a difference as a fireman. She finds his selfless attitude very attractive.
While JoJo shares kisses with both Grant and Luke, her connection with Luke is undeniable. Unfortunately, it’s not enough for him to receive the group date rose. Instead, it goes to Wells, whose refusal to give up in the face of a possible heat stroke really impressed JoJo.
JoJo picks up Derek, a.k.a. John Krasinski look-alike, for their date and tells him she doesn’t have a definitive plan for them. Instead, they will be rolling with the punches and making choices together along the way. The guys intently watch JoJo and Derek depart like Elle Woods’s sorority sisters after Warner picked Elle up for their “proposal” dinner.
In the car, the only choice JoJo and Derek make is between sky or sea, of which they pick sky. Regardless of their pick, we all know that Bachelorette and Bachelor are notorious for off-land transportation on one-on-one dates.
Next, the couple are met with two airplanes and the choice between north and south, so they decide to go north. Great choice, seeing as they end up in San Francisco, and the date goes swimmingly.
Here comes trouble…
The two guys I can’t stand most on this show (Damn, Daniel and Chad) are bonding, and it’s gross.
Chad: “I always warn girls, I always say, stay away from the nice guys.”
Daniel: “I totally agree.”
Chad: “People think I’m an asshole, but in the end, I’m actually nice. It’s these guys who are actually the assholes.”
^^^ ICYMI, Chris Christie and Donald Trump are actually contestants on this show. They’re just disguising themselves as millennial males.
After Jordan, Christian, Nick, James T., Alex, and Chad are chosen for the second group date, Chad makes some wise guy remarks to Brandon, James S., and Chase, who don’t get a date with JoJo this week.
Chad: “You’ve gone a full life without not seeing JoJo. You can’t wait a day or two?”
Jordan: “That’s the whole reason we’re here.”
Chad: “Yeah,that’s the whole reason we’re here, but you’ve gone your entire life without her, like, you can chill. She’ll be here. She’s not going to disappear next week. She’s not going to get on a jet and fly away to Malaysia.”
Before my blood pressure raises any higher, let’s return to Derek and JoJo.
At dinner, the two open up about their past relationships and closing themselves off to love post-heartbreak. Needless to say, this strikes a chord with JoJo, and she gives Derek a rose.
SECOND GROUP DATE
The guys meet JoJo on the set of ESPN’s SportsNation. However, for the sake of this date, the show’s name is changed to BachelorNation. The guys will participate in a series of challenges and be “power ranked” at the end.
Challenge #1: The boys have to “Strike a Rose” and do a little end zone dance. Can’t say my eyes didn’t enjoy watching that.
Challenge #2: Eye on the Prize – the guys have to spin around with a bat 10 times and then “propose” to JoJo.
Chad is accusing the other men of being “children” and treating the date as a joke. Hmm…last time I checked, JoJo was a fun and outgoing individual with a sense of humor.
Even worse, when he makes a bland proposal to JoJo, and she asks him to tell him the reasons why he loves her, he calls her “naggy.” NAGGY. Time for you to go, Chad.
Challenge #3: Question Round. Not really much to see here, except when Chad takes the hot seat. He’s brutally honest, admitting that he’s not in love with JoJo because he hasn’t gotten to know her yet. He also thinks the other guys in the room are there for the wrong reasons (THERE’S the line).
Alex makes a good point. Just because Chad is honest, doesn’t mean he’s right. Who else do we know that fits this description? Oh yeah, DONALD TRUMP.
The power rankings are in, and the top three are…1. James T.; 2. Chad (because his responses were genuine, *sigh*); 3. Alex.
Since James T. earned first place in the power rankings, JoJo is focusing a good bit of her evening attention on him. James tells her that he might not be physically buff, but he does have a good heart. He reads JoJo a sweet but corny note with wonderful things he wrote about her, and this makes her tear up.
During her chat with Chad (I would run for the hills at this point), JoJo senses that Chad is trying to overcompensate for something. LOL, that would definitely explain his earlier assertion of manhood via luggage weight-lifting.
Unfortunately, JoJo has fallen for Chad’s twisted charm. Chad also claims to be developing real feelings for her after their conversation, but who even knows?
Luckily, James receives the rose, and balance is temporarily restored.
Like I said, “temporarily restored.” Chad is waiting for JoJo on the steps of the mansion as she’s getting out of her limo, and he wastes no time whisking her away.
When they walk in together, panic ensues. The guys are sketched out and confront Chad about “getting some air” as JoJo arrived.
Chad continues to do his own thing, consuming enough food to feed a small village. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same if free food were placed in front of me…Nonetheless, the guys are fussing about him displaying poor etiquette. I know Chad’s a jackass, but ignore the bastard and spend time with JOJO. That’s why you’re there in the first place.
This week, we say goodbye to Will, James S., and Brandon.
Bachelorette Lesson #2463: The pariah of the group is always the last to receive a rose, mostly for dramatic effect and entertainment. Never get your hopes up about his sendoff early on. And with that, Chad lives another week to be the talk of the town and an ass to boot.