This week, JoJo and her Elite Eight make their way to Buenos Aires, which JoJo thinks could be “the perfect setting to fall in love.” But so is brunch.
Wells learns he’s JoJo’s one-on-one pick this week. However, to make matters a wee bit awkward, the date card reads, “Bésame. Bésame, muchacho” — a.k.a a JoJo subtlety that translates to, “Make a move already!”
Wells then reveals to the guys that he’s the only guy left who hasn’t kissed JoJo, which gives them ample material for their middle-school-girl gossip session. Because there’s nothing hotter than watching a bunch of grown men tease another grown man about how he hasn’t yet kissed the girl they all happen to be dating.
JoJo takes Wells to a performance art show called “Fuerza Bruta,” where Wells overthinks the perfect moment to kiss his woman. Seriously, make like Nike and JUST DO IT.
While swimming around in a suspended pool, Wells finally plants one on JoJo, to which she cheers, “That was the moment, Wells. That was the moment!” Someone, anyone, break out the champagne!!
At dinner, Wells brings up his last relationship, which unsurprisingly ended in the friend zone. JoJo’s looking for her “unicorn” and soulmate, but Wells’s skepticism about true love’s existence pushes him deeper into friendship territory. JoJo weeps as she bids adieu to our favorite radio DJ from Nashville.
Luke, Robby, Jordan, James, and Alex head with JoJo to the La Boca district, where they participate in some casual, street soccer fun; or, as I like to call it, another opportunity for Jordan to flaunt his athletic ability.
Meanwhile, James is throwing himself a pity party…
James: “I don’t see myself as this sexy dude, and I’ve never considered myself to be that…I’m really competitive, but Jordan and all of these guys are incredible. I’m not going to blow anybody away with my looks and my abs, right?”
You’re not going to blow anybody away with that self-deprecating attitude either.
Later that night, James decides to pull a Leah from last season in a last-ditch attempt to tarnish JoJo’s golden view of Jordan, who happens to be James’s best friend in the house.
James: One time, Jordan told me I incorrectly followed the rules of a card game. WHAT a douche. All because he’s Jordan Rodgers…
JoJo: I appreciate you telling me, and I will take this into consideration; but I love Jordan, so I probably won’t take this into consideration.
JoJo confronts Jordan, who says he was merely trying to explain the age-old rules of poker to James. He also rejected James’s claims of entitlement. Uh, need we remind him who his family is?
Jordan returns to the room, aggressively swishing his glass of wine in a COMPLETELY unentitled manner. Then he confronts James.
Jordan: “How does one act entitled, when stating that the rules of a game are such?”
Moral of the story: neither of these guys (both of whom are white males on the Bachelorette) understands what “entitled” actually means.
To end the evening, JoJo hands Luke the group date rose. Maybe if you weren’t busy talking smack about others to JoJo, you could’ve engaged in a steamy makeout session with her instead (like Luke).
For the first time in Bachelorette history, JoJo’s season is featuring a second two-on-one date. Hello, Chase and Derek.
JoJo greets the guys while looking muy caliente in a red dress. They learn to tango in what becomes a very uncomfortable dance threesome that mirrors the Dan-Olivia-Vanessa saga in Gossip Girl.
Later that evening…
Derek: “I’m absolutely falling for you. I felt that all day today.”
JoJo: “I appreciate that.”
Oy, you’re a goner.
JoJo: “I told you this week last week, how special you made me feel. And I’ll be honest, I didn’t feel like you gave me much back.”
JoJo: “I just walked away feeling maybe I liked him than he liked me.”
Chase: “Now I’m like, shocked.”
JoJo lectures Chase on the importance of sharing feelings for a solid three minutes and decides to give him the rose?!? Honestly, it’s probably because Derek didn’t pull out JoJo’s chair for her at dinner.
Chase and JoJo then slow dance (an upgrade from today’s tango fiasco) to a heartbreaking rendition of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina” while we flash back and forth to Derek crying for Argentina, but mostly for JoJo.
JoJo to James: “It means a lot that you’re pushing yourself because I can tell that it’s not totally easy.”
JoJo sounds like a 4th grade math teacher praising a struggling student for trying.
With Alex and James left standing, JoJo dramatically leaves to consult with Chris about giving out the final rose.
JoJo delivers a ~shocking~ blow to all of us by giving out not one, but TWO final roses, meaning no one goes home.
JoJo: “I believe I can go to bed tonight and know I didn’t make a mistake.”
An unfortunate loss for the Anti-Alex Brigade.