This week’s episode: brought to you by the Argentinian countryside and numerous horses to remind us that JoJo and Co. are, in fact, in the countryside.
As if I wasn’t already peeved enough that Alex is still here, “The Little Engine That Thought He Could But Clearly Can’t” gets the first one-on-one this week.
JoJo, the doll that she is, thinks she needs more time with Alex to see if there’s any inkling of a connection with him. We soon embark on a limo ride filled with awkward silences and infantile thumb wrestling. Then, Alex opens his mouth…
Alex: “I’m here to give everything I can to JoJo. If she wants it, she needs to show me that she wants it. She needs to show something back, too.”
Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize YOU were the one hired to find love on this show.
The car ride to the countryside is such a drag that chips were the only way to break the ice between these two. Let’s be real, though, when has food NOT been a solid conversation starter?
Meanwhile, on their bus ride, the others form an all-white Wu Tang Clan and rap about Alex behind his back. Oh, and Chase can beatbox?!?!
Alex decides to give freestyle rapping a go, too!!
Alex: “Yo, yo, JoJo. Gots to go to the liquo sto…See what I did there? That’s like my go-to line.”
Never thought I’d be so excited for a return to silence on a one-on-one.
JoJo and Alex finally make it to a ranch, where real-life gauchos show them how to be gauchos for the day . Alex changes into his gaucho attire and walks out looking like the spawn of a wannabe French artist and Noah from The Notebook. Then, there’s JoJo, who’s effortlessly slaying it in her suede pants.
BREAKING: when the others stop at a little BBQ place in the middle of nowhere, Jordan admits to being “the pickiest eater he knows.” Welp, now he’s lost a lot of points.
Alex: “You look like something out of, like, a Ralph Lauren Model Magazine.”
Next, the gauchos demonstrate the symbolic bond between gaucho and horse (which is actually pretty incredible, btw). Alex and JoJo then proceed to spoon each other while lying on top of the horse. Poor horse. I can’t imagine feeling like a third-wheel and being unable to speak out about it.
Alex: “I am in a sense of enlightenment right now. Right now, I’m feeling perfect. I feel the way I think love is supposed to feel…”
Hmm, I think you meant “state,” not sense. Also, you’ve been on this date with JoJo for 4.2 seconds. You are not in love with her.
At night, Alex tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. JoJo’s face turns whiter than Casper the Ghost. She tells Alex that she doesn’t feel as excited as she should about his admission of love.
Out of respect for him, JoJo decides to send Alex home early. Man, is he pissed. The way I see it, this rejection looks more like a blow to his ego than to his heart.
Are you surprised it’s Jordan? Omg, SAME! Jordan notes to the producers how he’s had to combat accusations of alleged “entitlement” over the last few weeks. Shortly after, JoJo reveals that they’re going wine tasting on their date. Now, what were you saying about entitlement?
Not so fast, though. Before JoJo and Jordan can get all bougie on us, the two have to stomp the (vine)yard…a.k.a. crush grapes with their feet. At least Jordan isn’t a picky drinker, because he tells JoJo he thinks their feet wine actually tastes pretty good.
Afterward, the two proceed to drink wine and make out in a hot tub conveniently placed in the middle of the vineyard. #thebachelorettehasthisthingwithhottubs
At dinner, Jordan gets serious regarding his strained relationship with his famous Packer brother, Aaron.
Jordan: “It’s just kind of the way he’s chosen to do life, and I chose to stay close with my family, and my parents, and my brother [Luke].”
JoJo: “So you guys don’t talk at all? Really?” -> Ugh, now I’ll NEVER get to meet Olivia Munn.
Contrary to the reaction she gave when Alex told her he was in love with her, JoJo’s face glowed with the light of a thousand suns when Jordan confessed.
JoJo: “That makes me so happy, you know that?” –> I love you, too, but out of courtesy for the Bachelorette’s unspoken rules, I can’t say it out loud yet!!
It didn’t take long after that for Jordan to push JoJo up against a wall and pull her into a passionate make out session. We get it, you have intense physical chemistry.
Due to the weather, JoJo decides to kick it indoors with Robby, Chase, and James and eat greasy junk food. She’s a woman after my own heart.
James puts himself back into friend zone territory when he tries to become the Guinness record-holder for most fries stuffed into one’s mouth.
The plot thickens as JoJo commences a massage train amongst the men, followed by riveting games of Bachelorette Pictionary and Truth or Dare.
After Robby runs through the halls nearly butt naked (on a dare) and looking fine as hell, James attempts to compensate for his insecurities by stirring up petty drama. He tells JoJo that Robby was looking at pretty Argentinian women on the street. Wow, the WORST.
Eventually, JoJo spends time with the guys individually, starting with Robby. Robby shares details about his former relationship, which lasted a little over three years. The breakup ended shortly before Robby’s stint on the Bachelorette, which concerns JoJo because she’s not so sure if he’s ready to move on with her. Robby reassures her, and all is well.
Next up is Chase. He goes from “I really like you a lot” to “I want to spend the rest of my life with you” in a matter of seconds. It’s okay, because JoJo “knows what he’s saying,” and she’s happy he’s opening up.
With James, JoJo emphasizes how great their emotional connection is. James confesses he’s falling for her, which breaks my heart because I know their relationship is destined to end.
Before JoJo arrives to hand out the group date rose, the guys are arguing over who the frontrunners are. Seriously, just shut up.
Robby scores the rose, as well as a hometown date next week.
Luke and JoJo spend an easygoing day riding horses and skeet shooting in the countryside. JoJo continues to be impressed with Luke’s outlook on life. Nothing more to see here.
As unfortunately expected, JoJo says an emotionally difficult farewell to James Taylor. She tells him he deserves the world, and he thanks her for being so sweet to him and wishes her the best. Tears were shed on both ends in what was probably one of the most heartfelt goodbyes in Bachelorette history.
With that, Robby, Jordan, Luke and Chase will be taking JoJo home to meet the families next week.