We return to the mansion after the rose ceremony only to find it in post-fraternity party condition: toilet paper lining the trees, garbage strewn about, and Chad’s leftover meat plate making an undesirable appearance.
Just as Chad and Daniel begin to discuss getting swole AF, Chris Harrison swoops in to hand over a date card.
Chase goes on the first one-on-one date with JoJo, much to Chad’s dismay; but he doesn’t worry because he and JoJo are supposedly “killing it together.” Keep telling yourself that, Chad.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE #1
Chase and JoJo head to hot yoga, where they embark on an “intimate journey” complete with perspiration, anger-gasms (yes, you read that right) and a little something called “yab-yum.”
For more on “yab-yum,” please refer to the below image of JoJo mounting (her word choice, not mine) Chase as the two breathe heavily and stare longingly into each eyes for about five minutes. Really, that’s how long this scene lasts.
They also kiss, which is hard to avoid when they’re literally too close for comfort and wearing minimal clothing.
At dinner, Chase reveals he’s a child of divorce, so marriage is a one-and-done situation for him…as it should be for everyone. JoJo feels connected to Chase and appreciates how much he values the sanctity of marriage (I’d sure hope so), so she hands him a rose.
JoJo and Chase then get a private concert from Charles Kelley, who awkwardly watches the couple make out mid-serenade.
Jordan, Grant, Wells, James F., Christian, Ali, Daniel, Vinny, Nick, Evan, Alex, and Chad are chosen for the group date.
Chad, being a whiny, self-righteous douchelord, says he doesn’t want to go on a date with 11 other guys and instead wait for a one-on-one. Because he’s TOTALLY a lock-in for the next one.
I could go on and talk about how the other guys grimace at Chad in collective frustration, but there will certainly be more where that came from.
Now, for the date, which gives a whole new meaning to “Let’s talk about sex, baby.” JoJo brings the guys to “Sex Talks,” a show where women divulge their craziest sex secrets to a live audience. A.K.A. where the guys have no choice but to participate in what is probably one of the most uncomfortable group dates ever.
Chad expresses disapproval because he believes in keeping his sex life private. Honestly, this is probably just a cover for the real issue: he’s horrible in the sack.
Evan is plotting to call out Chad on stage in what Alex calls “the battle of the century.” If that’s the battle of the century, then what is the 2016 presidential election?
Grant kicks off the night with the tale of how he lost his virginity. Nick explains how he spelled out the alphabet with his tongue, going so far as to use his tongue to demonstrate. It is a visual that no one should ever be forced to witness, and I will most definitely be haunted by it for at least the next FOREVER.
After zipping through everyone else’s raunchy narratives, we now hear from Evan, who once again feels the need to tell everyone he’s an erectile dysfunction specialist. He launches an immediate attack on Chad with a “cautionary tale” about the dangers of steroid usage. Side effects include irritability and saying, “The girl I’m trying to date is nagging me.” Boy, Chad is not pleased.
As Evan heads back to his seat, Chad gets physical with him and tears off part of his shirt, unsettling JoJo.
Chad then proceeds onto the stage, where he invites JoJo to come down. He leans in for a kiss, which JoJo successfully dodges (YAAAS QUEEN). Alex’s reacts to this as if he just won the lottery.
Backstage, Chad bloodies up his knuckles after punching a door and then threatens Evan with a neck grab, telling him “he’s going to die” if he doesn’t stop messing with him. Evan claims it was all in good fun, but let’s be real. When you try to stand up to a bully by humiliating him in front of a large audience (including the woman he’s trying to pursue), chances are, he’s going to retaliate.
In the evening, everyone dresses up in leather in preparation for their roles in a modern-day adaptation of Grease.
Jordan gets real with JoJo about not opening up so easily. Apparently, he’s said “I love you” to one person his entire life. JoJo wants him to open up so they can develop their relationship further, so we know he’s got nothing to worry about.
Alex tells JoJo he’s “ride or die,” which may have sounded cuter if he and JoJo were both 16, but probably not.
Just as JoJo starts talking to Nick, the Big Bad Chad rolls in. But JoJo, being the badass she is, tells him Nick just sat down. Of course, Chad takes that to mean that instead of walking off completely, he’ll just pop a squat 30 feet away and creepily whistle to make them uncomfortable.
Chad then joins the rest of the guys, and Vinny asks him how he felt when he tried to give JoJo a kiss and she just turned her cheek.
Chad: “It was more about like, she didn’t wanna kiss me in front of people…If I was her, I would’ve turned me down.”
Uh, yeah, you would’ve, because simply put, sir, you suck.
When asked about Evan…
Chad: “It’s like he’s been bullied his entire life, and now he feels that I’m the one guy that he thinks, ‘I’m gonna finally stand up to the guy.’ I don’t start anything unless it’s in retaliation of something.”
Evan admits that Chad isn’t a good guy and that while he could avoid him, he just doesn’t want to. Oh, good. If there’s one thing we’ve learned tonight, it’s that Evan is a bumbling idiot.
Evan: “Dude, we just got into an altercation earlier. I can’t believe you just didn’t come right up to me and apologize. You owe me an apology and a shirt because you ripped my freaking shirt.”
Your shirt probably cost you $10 at Target. Please settle down.
Chad tells Evan to hop off his D, which Evan should’ve started doing the second Chad tore his shirt. You’d think the oldest guy on the show with three kids would know better.
During his alone time with JoJo, Chad reveals he didn’t want to go on a date with 12 dudes. He assumed she would ask him on a one-on-one because they’ve been ~killing it~ together.
When JoJo interrogates Chad about his fight with Evan…
Chad: “He’s like the little kid trying to beat up the bully.”
JoJo: “You’re the bully?”
Chad: “I’m the bully, but he’s bullying the bully.”
JoJo: “Don’t be a bully!!”
Chad: “I’m not a bully, but like, it appears that way.”
There are so many things wrong with this conversation, like the fact that Chad tries to make an “Evan started it” case for being the bully. What are you, five?
Evan decides to be honest with JoJo about his ill-will toward Chad.
Evan: “Chad has two completely different personalities, and even if it doesn’t work out with me, it’s not going to be good with him. I’m not going to stay here if he’s here.”
Are you REALLY in the place to be giving JoJo an ultimatum, especially right now? No.
Chad: *blank stare, mouth agape*
JoJo: “Are you good?”
Chad: “Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now?”
JoJo: “What’s the problem, Chad?”
Chad: “You’re actually, right now, vibing this dude.”
JoJo: “Yeah, and I don’t appreciate what you’re doing. Don’t be disrespectful. I don’t like that.”
I was sort of hoping Chad would reply with, “Yes, Mommy Dearest.”
ONE-ON-ONE DATE #2
James T. is the lucky man chosen for the next one-on-one, which involves “kicking it old school.” Literally, because he and JoJo are dressed from head to toe in ’50s attire. They meet an adorable older woman named Jean, who uses her 45 years of dance experience to teach the couple how to swing dance. Given that James is a total sweetheart, this is truly shaping up to be one of the cutest dates ever.
Back at the mansion, Chad is munching on a yam and lettuce, while Daniel wastes no time putting his foot in his mouth.
Daniel: “Let’s just pretend you’re Hitler.”
Chad: “Let’s not pretend I’m Hitler.”
Daniel: “Let’s just say…”
Chad: “Let’s not say…”
Daniel: “Ok, well let’s say you’re Donald Trump…”
Daniel: “Maybe be not so much like Hitler, maybe be more like Mussolini, you know, or Bush, alright? Take it down a notch.”
Ah, there’s nothing like a lesson in world history from Daniel the Canadian. At least he nailed the Donald Trump comparison?
At night, JoJo is hoping she can cross the friend zone threshold with James. After James reflects on being teased as a child, JoJo lists out all of his amazing qualities and gives him a rose.
Of course, wherever James is, so is his guitar. He breaks out the instrument to play a heartfelt song for JoJo, who is blown away. Her feelings do a complete 180, as she can see herself falling for James.
Chris Harrison reveals that in lieu of a cocktail party, there’s going to be an all-day pool party before the rose ceremony.
Evan chases after Chris to complain about Chad ripping his shirt (LET IT GO, MAN) and creating an unsafe environment for the other guys in the house.
Chris calls Chad outside to get to the bottom of the mayhem. Chris tells him he won’t send him home, but he does need to settle his differences with the others through peaceful measures.
To end the episode, Chad mutters a whole lotta crazy to the cameras about cutting everyone’s legs and arms off and throwing their torsos in the pool. Note: Chris Harrison should never work for the United Nations.