After his warning talk with Chris Harrison, Chad walks into the house and tries to plead his case to the guys. Basically, leave me alone, and I won’t break your kneecaps. Kapeesh?
Evan: “Chad, you owe me a new shirt and an apology.”
Stop trying to make “a new shirt” happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
The guys execute a synchronized swimming dive, during which Evan hurts himself and bleeds. *Cue joke about Chad being responsible*
JoJo sneaks away to canoodle with Jordan and once again finds herself panicked about how well their relationship is going, as if it’s almost too good to be true.
Derek informs JoJo about the security guard in the house who was hired to keep an eye Chad, to which JoJo’s all, “What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”
Chad: “In what way have I ever physically confronted you?”
Derek: “Perception is reality, Chad. And everyone is perceiving everything you do every single minute.”
Derek, I love you, but you sound like a stalker.
All that glitters is JoJo, as evidenced by her virtually all-sequin wardrobe.
Nick, Ali, and Christian are sent home, and so completes the last rose ceremony in the mansion. From this point forward, JoJo and her remaining suitors are taking love on the road. First stop: Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. I’m sorry, but Nemacolin sounds like a drug used to treat constipation.
Luke no longer has to consider crying in a corner, because he’s got the first one-on-one this week.
First, he and JoJo enjoy a “mushy,” romantic sled ride, followed by wood-chopping to help run the wood-fire hot tub the two will be sharing in pure, unadulterated bliss. Honestly, I just want more footage of the Huskies pulling the sled.
At night, things turn serious when Luke tells JoJo about his military service (thank you, sir) and the death of a close friend in combat. He also admits to being emotional by nature, something most guys would never think to share with the class. TAKE THIS AS A CUE, BOYS. Really, though, Luke is a bona fide class act, and with the impression he made on JoJo and every Bachelorette fan watching, I wouldn’t be surprised if he sticks around until the very end.
JoJo has one final surprise for Luke, which also happens to be my worst nightmare. They enter onto a stage surrounded by Dan + Shay and hundreds of randos who were probably paid to take videos of the couple gently swaying and making out and then forced to remain silent about the entire thing until the season finishes airing.
Derek, James T., Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby are picked for the group date, leaving mortal enemies Chad and Alex to duel to the death for JoJo’s affections and rose on a dreaded two-on-one. Updates to come.
JoJo and the guys head to Heinz Field, where they are greeted by Pittsburgh Steelers players Hines Ward, Ben Roethlisberger, and Brett Keisel. Jordan’s totally thinking, “This shit’s my bread and butter.”
The guys play a football game in two teams of five, whereby the winning team gets to spend time with JoJo. Jordan gets to relive his former football ~glory days~ as the QB for both teams, meaning regardless of the outcome, he gets to spend time with JoJo. How convenient.
Evan: “I feel dangerous. We are coming for the other guys.”
If there is one word I would never use to describe Evan, it’s “dangerous.” Seriously, look at him.
Jordan: “I was dropping dimes out there.”
Oh, so NOW you choose to be good at football?
Jordan leads the blue team to victory, giving Robby, Derek, James T., Evan, Vinny, and himself some extra time with JoJo at night.
JoJo presents the group date rose to Jordan shortly after he confirms he’s falling for her.
Chad: “Jordan, you think this is a show, and you think you’re safe for now, but one day this ends, and when this ends you go home, and when you go home you think I can’t find you? You think I won’t go out of my way to come to your house? I’m dead f***ing serious.”
Someone, please tell this Liam Neeson wannabe to shut his pie hole.
Alex and Chad take a helicopter ride to what JoJo calls “the middle of nowhere.” It’s also the perfect place for Chad to get away with murder.
Chad: *chops wood with machete*
Alex: “Yeah, don’t kill me, bro.”
Question: WHY is Chad allowed to hold a machete?
Alex: “Chad is a fake, disingenuine person, and I hope she can see right through that.”
Who had to break the news to Alex that “disingenuine” is not a word?
To break the inevitable, awkward silence, JoJo walks off with Alex, who wastes no time going off on Chad.
Alex: “[Chad] literally told Jordan he’s going to find him after the show and beat his ass.”
JoJo confronts Chad about Jordan, leading to yet ANOTHER mother-and-child-like squabble.
JoJo: “I’m disappointed because I gave you a second chance.”
Chad: “I haven’t touched anybody since then.”
JoJo: “Yeah, but you’ve threatened to beat people.”
Chad: “So they would be quiet.”
JoJo: “That’s not the way to handle it.”
Chad: “If you have a better way, I’d love to hear it.”
JoJo: “Uh, sitting down and having a conversation, like an adult.”
Chad: *angrily tosses mug into river*
Chad returns to Alex and tells him he’s not pleased.
Chad: “Life ain’t all blueberries and airplanes, you know what I mean?”
Alex: “We can definitely agree on that.”
Um, I’m not sure I know what you mean.
Chad: “You are so angry about that (Sports Nation). Get over it, dude. Have a glass of milk, man.”
Alex: “Don’t like milk.”
Chad: “Well, you should, milk’s delicious.”
After a moment of deep reflection, JoJo gives her rose to Alex and says “deuces” to Chad, leaving him in the woods.
But just when we thought we were done with him for good…
Chad: “I’m pissed, Alex lied and told her I threatened people. And you know what, now I gotta go f***ing find Alex.”
Where is the lie in all of this?
Chad proceeds to walk through the dark forest with his menacing whistle and shows up at the resort, ready to say, “Here’s Johnny!!”